I’ve overcommitted myself and am feeling the internal pressure. I get scared that I won’t get whatever I need ($, attention, activity, endorphins) and then I put too much stuff on the calendar in an effort to deny that I am only really up 10 hours a day (for realz- I’m on Seroquel, which really “quells” the depression and hypomania, but slows me down quite a bit). Of that 10 hours, I seem to be able to work only 5 hours. It’s extremely embarrassing, but I also would be afraid to change my meds when they’ve helped me feel so good (at least when I am awake).
I had to cancel a haircut and a meeting because I have to meet a deadline I’m already late on and balance all of my Quicken and QuickBooks. I woke up at 11 (from 9 pm bedtime) and walked for coffee and am just beginning. This is when I miss hypomania and the pride of being able to accomplish a ton of stuff. That is not my story anymore, but neither is wanting to kill myself- so I’m calling it a fair trade.
So, I do a 4 pm show on Thursday and it’d be great to rehearse it again today or – at the very least- listen to the set from Portland or Eugene. I will check in to let you know that I’ve listened to the set. Thank you.
I didn’t do it. O yo-yo. Will try again today.